The Monster I am Not!

I wish I had emotions when they count the most. There lies the issue. I miss my emotions at times. Everytime I go to sleep I dont close my eyes for a while. I see images rushing past my eyes one at a time. The more they pass by, the better I feel. I have a control over the images. They make me happy and thats when my emotions come in. No I do not need them at that time. In fact, my belief is, never let your emotions come in at any point of your life. Not even while sleeping. Because, the moment it steps in, you have to take care of the mat. That way it gets tougher. I have experienced it.

Some people pretend they are monsters. They like to glorify themselves that way. Its not tough. I try to pretend I am not a monster. That is something which is really tough. I live my life hiding myself, my thoughts or whatever it is I land upon. That is my survival strategy.

The Game I Play

My sins walk beside me, like my shadow. The more I try to conceal them, the more they give away. They are my little friends and I care for them. It completes my survival. That would answer, why I pretend to be lonely most of the times. I dont like company half of the time I am awake. Its peace in some form for me. Human bonds... they lead to complicacy. I cannot make complicated, whats already complicated. And each time I commit one sin, it gives me relief because I am moving towards the end. That way I stick another feather to the cap. My deeds make people wonder. Not like I want to make them wonder, but its like I am saying "Hey wanna play?" and most of the times the subject is "Yes I wanna play". They are the fodder for my sins. And no one is hurt in this game. The game is played with a purpose. A purose, which in no way points towards hurting.

I have tried to be normal like the people around me. But its hard to be normal. The problem with normal people is that they are hostile. And its hard to pretend you are that. That makes my survival even more tougher. Right now I am trying to be normal. But like I said, its hard.