The Monster I am Not!

I wish I had emotions when they count the most. There lies the issue. I miss my emotions at times. Everytime I go to sleep I dont close my eyes for a while. I see images rushing past my eyes one at a time. The more they pass by, the better I feel. I have a control over the images. They make me happy and thats when my emotions come in. No I do not need them at that time. In fact, my belief is, never let your emotions come in at any point of your life. Not even while sleeping. Because, the moment it steps in, you have to take care of the mat. That way it gets tougher. I have experienced it.

Some people pretend they are monsters. They like to glorify themselves that way. Its not tough. I try to pretend I am not a monster. That is something which is really tough. I live my life hiding myself, my thoughts or whatever it is I land upon. That is my survival strategy.

The Game I Play

My sins walk beside me, like my shadow. The more I try to conceal them, the more they give away. They are my little friends and I care for them. It completes my survival. That would answer, why I pretend to be lonely most of the times. I dont like company half of the time I am awake. Its peace in some form for me. Human bonds... they lead to complicacy. I cannot make complicated, whats already complicated. And each time I commit one sin, it gives me relief because I am moving towards the end. That way I stick another feather to the cap. My deeds make people wonder. Not like I want to make them wonder, but its like I am saying "Hey wanna play?" and most of the times the subject is "Yes I wanna play". They are the fodder for my sins. And no one is hurt in this game. The game is played with a purpose. A purose, which in no way points towards hurting.

I have tried to be normal like the people around me. But its hard to be normal. The problem with normal people is that they are hostile. And its hard to pretend you are that. That makes my survival even more tougher. Right now I am trying to be normal. But like I said, its hard.

4 AM

.... Later

I am drunk.

So be it, the way it is. Cos it is the way it is, as it is, and was supposed to be, as you see, spontaneous, as it is!

I am sure..... I quoted myself!


I thank life! I thank god! I will live.. till the end of life! I think this is it!

-= More than Two Suns =-

Look at the sky dancing
The trees are colored red and blue
Adore what is not there
Cos you may still find there, a clue.
Groove and blues its like a thousand colors
Who am I to kill the fun
Its just my very own roadside pun!
Adore what was there
Cos its a secret you always knew!
People come and people go
Alone they kill the mocking bird
So what you think is not true
And what you see is more than you thought
We always wake up when we are just not through
Rhyming it wont be fair
And Ive always said im on the otherside
It rises in the east and sets in the west
For me its more than just a sun
Its thirty one seconds of being in the quicksand
I feel alive
And freaked to the core
Cos its been something which I have hidden
Letting it out would be divine fun!
Adore when you died in your nightmare
Its my sin, my little retreat
Ive seen the colors now
Cos flying without wings was not always true
For me its been a sin with punishment due
So adore what is not there
Cos you may still find there, a colored clue.

-= Galactic Sin =-

Collecting emotions lying here in
Its been a long story so far
So dont watch me make up for the time
I may just fly and spin
You have had pinball sharpness
I am still thinking whats that
Whats that which flys ahead of time
No one said this
No one thought this
So now I lie stoned within
And now I am at the top of a tower
Watching the stars in the galaxy
Believing we gonna be there one time
Oh I have been thinking inside my skin
So you have been feeling it
So you have been feeling the same
Pretending theres a mirror
Pretending I am Adam
You still blame me
Calling it was our galactic sin
No one said this
No one thought this
So now I lie stoned within
And watch the shooting stars
Fall there in!

-= Radar View =-

Searched a forest
And its helplessness
Everytime it ends up like this
There you go again
Walking into the forest deep
No matter
How much you fly
How much you hold my hand
You come and lie in your bliss!
Maybe Ive been too pessimistic
But the world goes round
I have had to cross you twice
We have been too high rise
And there I miss you again, sigh
Not everyone here understands this
Experience whats called amiss
Searched a forest
And its helplessness
Everytime it ends up like this
So I call your name
And pretend Ive been there
Maybe I wont miss this time round
And maybe experience whats called amiss!
There you go again
Into the forest deep!

-= My Succubus =-

Seems like I have been sleeping
A thousand years now
It aches my back
Makes me high in a new way
Maybe its just the tao
I think Ive found out
The secret of overactive imagination now
Processed by you
Led by your hands
Its a groove with a violin but how
I stand up and look out the window
Its a dark night
I think its night again once more
Have to wait till the sun shines
Into another tomorrow
Whatever it says
Whatever it means
I would stay up
For living a day to sleep again
And meet my succubus
And feel what you feel now!
No succubus here now
Its real
Maybe I should take a bow
Its nothing but
The secret of overactive imagination now
Whatever it says
Whatever it means
I would stay up
For living a day to sleep again
And meet my succubus
And feel what you feel now!

-= The Circular Driveway =-

.....Then maybe I can go
Driving through a dark road
Then maybe you can throw the light
Bright! it lights up, has me towed!
But we grab more than we can swallow
Take me to the seaside
Im scared of the black and white
I got followed by somebody
I thought it would be nobody
It turned out to be opposite to holy
I sit and draw the picture above
Feels like Im not in that unknown mode
Whats mine seems a dead load
Then maybe you can decode
If I hadnt found the meaning
It would have been so long a road
Then maybe I can go
Driving through a dark road
Then maybe you can throw the light
Bright it lights up, has me towed!
Trouble dog barks like its stoned
Shut up you are ripping apart
Like you have it all owned!
Within it I found the meaning now
Push me and maybe then maybe I can go......

-= Being Nephilim =-

A ten thousand waves lash against us
Rewind, where it started
Confessing of a time when I acted a nobody
Its a wild waste I say I was fainthearted!
A proof of an inter galactic sin
I count the meteors they throw at us
Must be more of a fireball self carted
Walk back, walk back
Run back, Run back
Damn Im in the island
And goddamn we cant swim!
When it cant hit my brain
I get back to the edge
Just in time to catch another
Its just something better
Oh cant you see what I mean
Dont even get me started!
Cos I see the ship finally set sail
I will call this the evening scene!
Hey its the battlestar queen!
Walk back, walk back
Run back, Run back
Damn Im in the island
And goddamn we cant swim!
Oh cant you see what I mean?
I bet I may get high on caffeine
Strike three and its over
I left it obscene, unseen
I aint a super machine
Walk back, walk back
Run back, Run back
Damn Im in the island
And goddamn we cant swim!
Oh cant you see what I mean?

Domino Effect

So the other day I was at office attending call from an American ATT employee. Oh yes it was official and nothing personal. I wont get to the technical aspects cos it didnt even hit me a bit what she spoke about. So she was like "Mate its like the domino effect". Damn! Keira Knightely [ in the movie Domino ] being discussed in an ATT discussion, thats like cool. I didnt even know she meant it something else. And so the discussion went on with me feeling like a damn cool person who works somewhere where they discuss movies in discussion! Forlorn!

Domino effect as told by Wiki : when a small change causes a similar change nearby which then will cause another similar change and so on in a linear sequence.

"Mate, its like the domino effect" you just might get it now!

I like the butterfly effect more though :)

-= Shining Reflections from Down Within =-

Jumping from a cliff
I could see you swimming in the sea underneath
The air beating my face feels like its december breeze
I could feel my wings go numb
Maybe its from the white things I have done
I can see you looking up at me
And I could still see you are hiding your tears within
Maybe its the water
Or maybe its just my dream
I am falling and my wings aint flapping
I could just feel its the splash Im approaching
And now I could feel you are crying
Or maybe its still just my dream
Now I can see your tears
And next I could feel Im going under helpless
Cos for me the worlds a sea
And we are all nosediving
You will still feel its real
But its nothing but just my little dream!

-= Orchestra Moshpit =-

If you know it
I would never joke it
Let alone fake it
But my teacher said submit!

Cover your knees
Cos I can see heehee :P
Hey you are blushing
Damn it
Admit it!

Yes go ahead transmit
The other day
I made a paper boat
Yeah that one
Upon which we can stand
Like them
I still dream it?
Hey! I can feel you skip breathe
Oh cmon take the hint!

They made a cup of tea,
Its so hot
Come on have it
Oh damn I always end up saying its another skit!

Can we take a walk down the street
And maybe talk hick-hick,
I dont care where we go,
I dont care what we do,
Cos we are in an Orchestra moshpit!

Dont tell me you dont know this,
They said you can always relate it,
I can hear them
Cmon I know your wits!

ROCK IN INDIA - THE KILLER CARNIVAL _\m-_-m/_

-= Sauron =-

Wasting it away in that familiar way,

Its an undying habit you made, you sway away from the sorry shade,
Let it be the way it was always meant to be, more of charcoal grey,
Obsessions never say things anymore than a mind gone astray
Like a candle You burn your way into the heaven for a shadow play!
And I still despise the thunders of the storm far away,
Incessant mortal share of a time flying away!
Always said, always cried
The crux of the matter, the spell you made me slay!
Mysterious, almost vague I may call you more names
Lest I break away I call it another day
Your hope for the view gone all in dismay!

-= Once a Dominus =-

No I didnt mean nothing
Sweet emotions fly
Fly with an acute syndrome
I still maintain nothing
But you are there to fly by!

I never mean too cold
No I never want things to unfold
Its a lie
Its another compromise
I still stand by
Cos its nothing more than another blue sky!

No I would not whisper
Never would I go for a disclosure
I cant make it anymore crisper
For I still promise nothing
Cos I would still be indivisible by!

Dreams are fragile oh no
And you know we always wake up the same
Sometimes on the wrong side of the bed
Pray for the truth to hold
I never meant you should
But then again you would
As before, misapply!

No I would still scream
Still scream cos that is what I mean
And you would ask me why it feels
Like a thousand years
With nothing but my arms beside
Tell you why?
Cos we always end up seeing an eye to eye,
And you see nothing but a mackeral sky!

-= Halo Superhero =-

Purposeful disintegrity,enough said
Happy pills, always yelled,
More than you can climb a bunk bed
And scream what is unsaid!
For you may see
What they see,
I mean the living dead!

But you are Trapped inside a cage so hollow
You climb the walls
To up above for a full view of sorrow
But each time you reach there
You fall down
And feel the pain swallow!

She shuts down the lights
And you feel the ever existing darkness
You feel the halo
Surround your holy head
Aah you feel the holyness so,
But you still feel the pain
Cos its so narrow!

For these times You would never be sorry
But the edge still persists
Still persists with the bars around
Memories you carve,
You paint the shadows
In the darkness
For a better tomorrow!

Reasons still flow by your ear
You survive in the pit
You made yourself
To bask in the fear
Cos you know you are not another superhero!

Arent any good?

Why worship the good man when the things you do arent any good?
- Richard Ramirez ( The Nightstalker )




PS: I am not glorifying Ramirez here, just those beautiful words!

-= Floating Dreams and God's not there =-

There was this person in my life who came and said these things to me which i would like to put down.

"When you want something in life, reach out and grab it no matter how far it is, if you want it, youll get it"

I am all alone sitting in a closed room with no one around me at the moment. Not that am a loner, there are times when I just like to be alone. Going back to the line i wrote now. Yes what he said is damn true. I have experienced this as a child, I have experienced this as an adolescent, I experience this even now. Yes there are so many dreams which float around me, so many unfulfilled things, desires and passions. Im a grown up now, not a dreamy child and its really ironic when I dream now. Its nothing what Im writing is only specific to me. Everyone feels this way someway or the other. Each one of you who is reading this has felt this. People have their dreams floating around. Its out there to reach and grab it.Many a times people give up and walk away thinking its not their cup of tea. People should dream in order to live it. My dad says this to me "Son, you have got everything in your life you wished till now, you sure must be dreaming more, dreaming high, know one thing for sure, what you want son, you will get it no matter what, follow it, thats the trick." These words by my father inspire me to still dream on. Im a piscean which automatically puts me in the dreamer category. I dream to want something. Sometimes I think things are so far off. As Im writing this, I am thinking the same. But Dad, hope your words come true. Hope I live my dream, my passion.

I dont believe in God, I believe in that supreme thing in ourself which is inside each one of us, whom we pray at times of distress. Sometimes the way astrology works out freaks me out, freaks me out that I still dont believe in God.

-Amen

-= Walk Along =-

I stumble over and fall face down
I stare at the earth
Smell the acrid dry sand
Im not hurt
Im just so stoned.

There are stars falling from the sky
There are wishes we make
No not all of them grow
They wind down the tunnel of our lonely minds
Only to float once more
And remind of a time old.

I get up and face the moon
It shines and I can see the face
And I shake the dust off my hands
And I wish I could say hello to the one above.

We dive at the river of time
Swim through it
Against it and sometimes with it
And you can feel the fatigue grow
Sure to make you sink below.

I walk down that road
Feel my shadow beside me
I hold a hand out of blue
And it guides me
To a place so cold.

Not that life guides you
You guide life
You take it to a place cold
You feel it shiver
And you sweat
You have come a long way so.

I sit down tired
Close my eyes
Just one more time
You see the stars falling again
Make a wish and let it grow.

-= Lacerate! =-

I know you made it out
I cant help it no more
There are steps to take and roads to walk
We cant go there
We cant lead to morrow
I know you are listening.

Why do I care when it takes us nowhere
So we thought so much
So we got lost so many times
Lets do it now
Before you end up weeping.

I dont care the tears
I dont care the breaths you skip
No not anymore
Lets not give it a damn anymore
Too much is too far
Too little is what I care.

How can you force things
When lifes best with things falling in place.
And sorry its falling here.
Tear the pictures
And dont shed the tears no more
Its our december
Lets step aside this stage and go.

Another gives me a touch so warm
Why do i miss the chance to miss
To feel this situation?
I dont care you no more
I aint lying no more
Im being honest and true
Care you take a walk and say goodbye.

You wont feel this anymore
Im so guilty
Yes so cruel
Its a crash we always craved
With the moments flying by it gets more dry
Lets hammer the nails and say bye
Lets leave this place
Lets make it blow.

Yes im crime!
Yes you give a damn!
Yes i make you feel lost!
Yes im the nine before thy ten!

-= Close in =-

Things just are bound to fall in place,
We just cant deny the rule of life,
Can we take this pill a bit more slow
So we dont miss these times
So we dont miss these times
Later when you remember our sweet rhyme!

Everything you once thought was in vain
Doesnt it seem an answer to that question,
The more I tried to sink,
The more you pulled me up,
Its been a long road,
Have we travelled this way so long?

The more I tried to sink,
The more you pulled me up.

Its so much confusing
When i sit and think
You pop up holding my hand
Etch those times in your head
Cos its more than just another time.

The more I tried to sink,
The more you pulled me up.

Somewhere down that line
It seemed we were just so away
That it didnt feel so close,
We cant deny its just a matter of time
Till we would be just one.

I see loyal faces everytime
I wonder what they mean to me
How am i taking it for real
Ask me its been a pain so tough
I should be crowned king.

The more I tried to sink,
The more you pulled me up

Look at yourself one more time
How many times you have done it
Too many times dear
You need not explain cos i know
How i have lived through it.

What did we do to make it feel
This is so much better
Our lines are etched so deep
You can fall into it!


Smile.

-=Answer=-

I live the hard times
Battling out the fork in my life
Never knew things like this exist
I waste my time to digest
The facts that i dreamt
Not dream.

I look at someone,
Im filled with tears,
I change my view
Only to stare another,
I hope I dont miss you again.
Turn around and hey you are there.

You started it all,
I always thought its a line crossed,
I know that I need to slow down,
And break the fork
Help me end it once and for all.

When will we realize
We were born for this
Didnt it ever seem to you
We are so close and yet so far
It hurts me and I know it hurts you.

Im ready to cave in
For a better sunset
And make it so beautiful
But i dont understand the fork im living
The life im surviving.

-=What we Are=-

Groping in the darkness nullified
Survived your sweet stare
With stretched arms i made the blood drip,
You didnt notice with your tear filled eyes.

There were bullets to dodge and heart's to break,
A river cut short like a novel half done,
You took your walk down
The road too short,
A road filled with splinters sharp.

Another nail i hammer
Another touch you give,
I take one step back from your sweet sore,
And as I look as the crow flies,
At your dewy eyes,
Sweat still drips from a forehead lined.

Merciful demanour and a sweet touch,
You have it all,
A bit too far,
I would fall here
And be all set for the haunted.

And I stare at the sun
You are there silhoutted,
Staring back at me,
Your dreamy eyes
Are just too hynotizing
To make me blind!
To make me blind!

-= Till Death Apart =-

Theres so much of silence
Wonder how far we are apart.
I have seen a hundred suns
And we still keep on
Waiting for that last,
Waiting for that last.

Hiding under your shadow,
I dream with you alone,
Rushing through the clouds,
You fill colors with eyes blind.

We want to be so far apart,
Its funny how we still find out ways to be this close.
We have so many choices,
I wonder why we tick the same.

We take a picture,
It turns out blurred,
You are there standing still,
Still there holding my hand.

We want to be so far apart,
Its funny how we still find out ways to be this close.
We have so many other choices,
I wonder why we tick the same.

Thats the story you see,
We want to be so apart,
Still close hand in hand,
I skip a breath
I wonder why you skip the same.

-=Fall Apart=-

Someone falls in love,
Someone kills another,
Where do you go from here,
We go around,
And we do come around.

Thoughts fly like a thousand butterflies,
That light is shining,
Right at my face,
Into your dewy eyes.

I take a look around,
See people fighting,
See people loving,
Im one of them
You are just another face in the crowd.

We tear letters,
We shed tears for no reason,
Its another irony my friend,
Just one more to the crowd.

The clock keeps ticking,
And we look at each others face,
You can take a picture,
And cry over it tomorrow,
But we just dont care anymore.

We can make a puzzle
And miss a piece,
But do we care
Cos its just a game,
Just another one in the crowd.

Since its only you and me,
We walk our miles,
We just need another detour,
We live our dreams,
And walk away.

~ A Beautiful Mistake ~

Drenched in midnight dew

There you lie with druids
Dreaming of a thousand lives
Here i stand alone
Watching it unfold
For a never ending hope.

I hear the voice
I turn around and face
The Face in the mist,
Calling my name.

You fly again with fallen wings
I send an orchid old
Wronged
Withered, sunburnt.

I feel the thorns
Of the branch
You broke
And long the fallen flower
To bloom again.

A lost masquerade
In a story,
You live it,
Chiselled as you can be.

I killed the Face in the mist
Cant wait the birth
Once again,
To kill again.

I guess we wont change
I guess we both wronged
Lets forgive ourselves
And move on till the end.

~ The Haunting ~

A reason to be another,
Remembering times when im alone,
Seems an addiction,
Makes me feel,
Isnt it the one single reason.

Caught in a derecho of time,
Once here, once there,
Following bleak touches,
From heaven above,
I take my leaps,
Into sands of time.

Demeter stares down me
Makes me feel i have left Nemesis behind,
A haunting i feel
Surfacing every second I breathe.

Its so ironic,
To be the god
And Demon alone,
You forget your own reason.

Ghosts do die,
As Succubus said,
When will i realize?
When will i step aside
And think alike,
Walk hand in hand?

~ The Secret ~

I feel the time fly by,
A secret I live and swear by,
I see the sun set and the rise too.
Its a secret forced!

I make my soul perspire,
Watch the birds fly by,
To eternity and forever,
Purposeful! oh what a time.

I see shooting stars,
Comets passing by,
A holy streak,
A time too high,
Up above the sky.

Of feathers and scabbed wings,
You conspired,
A secret I live and swear by,
A secret forever!

Its tough when you are cold,
I choke! Dream! You smile!
And You flash the sword of sanity,
Its only another time.

A lost identity,
A memento,
Of memories,
Of dreams fuelled.

A secret I live and swear by,
A secret forever!

~ Incomplete Eternity ~

Like a bud it unfolds naturally,
You make me feel so weak and guilty,
Slowly and peacefully you make it insanely,
Devouring prayers all along.

Stuck in a slow motion
With fireworks all over,
You take your stand,
With the limelight which surround.

You make me feel so guilty,
Attack me when its the numbest,
Im still stuck in it,
I run, but you run faster,
Like they do in a slow motion movie.

Lost in the fog,
I search for the candle,
But in vain,
Like i said
You make me feel so guilty!

Louder and Louder you scream out,
I feel guilty,
I feel guilty,
I make peace with a lost and tampered soul.

We both lived the movie,
With smiles and tears,
We make the move,
Towards a dead incomplete eternity!

I made you feel guilty!
Enthroned in your peace!
Purposefully!!

~ Incubus vs Succubus ~

I flapped my wings,
You thought i would fly
But knew not it was just a sigh!
I walked the mile and crossed the line.

I needed to rectify,
Needed to be high,
A cat has too many lives,
Hey, I told you its just to glorify
You wanted to celebrate a lie.

Its an awe how someone goes so far
And lives one life at a time,
Of impossible reasons and theories
Then trample the anger, sweeping it aside.

Shut up, I guess was so far
Couldnt hear Your whisper.
A zillion miles made so short
A price not paid for those times.

They didnt know whats wrong,
You never went to war with a horse,did You?
You never faced a wall,did You?
You sprayed the color and I washed it off with water.

You saw and felt it through,
You walked the sands of time,
You reached an edge too much high,
I wasnt there to teach you how to fly.

Succubus comes along
She makes me walk hold hand in hand,
To a place far far away,
Blinded by the high sun on face again.

~ Deja Vu ~

I feel inside,
Lost memories of a previous life,
Scrumptious experience giving you a high,
A low in the making,
An incarnation made to satisfy!

A Rose plucked for good,
Ready to decay for a thousand lives,
Fading for the last time,
You kill one and hope god makes another.

A path we chose,
Distance apart from heaven and good,
We kill our sweet memories
And sweep them too!

Birds fly by and Suns set,
We take our walk down the streets so cold,
Of flickering lights and a fear untold,
And then you fly,
To a place unknown.

Dead and frozen you rise up,
Walk the same streets you once took,
Deja Vu,
A life you live with a god so new!
And angels too!

Why not to waste time and why to waste it!

Was browsing through my spam mails at work the other day and found out this really awesome one. It has a touch of the Indian version of the sprite advertisement, sorry i dont have any clip of it atm. And most of the part below is in hindi, cant help cos without hindi the basic spice of the mail is gone.

Its about two guys working in a software company. Both of them sit at adjacent cubicles and one is always working and the others always idle checking mails and stuff like that. So it goes like this :

Busy Guy : Dude whats up with you man .. utilize your time, read something .. learn a language..
learn a software .. you are damn wasting your time here.
Idle Lazy Guy : Tab Kya Hoga? (with a very lazy dont care kinda tone)
Busy Guy : Arrey tab tera appraisal hoga, promotion hoga .. aurr kya?
Idle Lazy Guy : Tab Kya Hoga?
Busy Guy : Arrey tab tu team leader banega, project manager banega, CEO bhi ban sakta hai.
Idle Lazy Guy : Tab kya hoga?
Busy Guy : Tab tu aish karega yaar .. you gonna spend a lot of money!
Idle Lazy Guy : TOH AB MAIN KYA KAR RAHA HOON?

That was it!!
Now, that can be spam and that can be termed as a joke too but theres some gravity in it, if you notice carefully. You aim for a higher position to enjoy more .. BUT you are still enjoying now arent you?